i like chocolate

complexion like marble
the rain
courses down her face,
marring
the once flawless surface;
washing
away the day's
collected salt.
her pain
p
o
o
l
s
around her ankles
slowly saturating to the soul.
with
the passing of fingertips
a dull ache
reminds of what could've been.
her chance
at salvation gone
the eyes
of that marble face
brim over...

the rain falls harder






loud and harsh her thoughts
are interrupted
but with interruption comes a
glimpse of joy
her heart races as he approaches
can he see her face light up?
can he tell what he is doing to
her?
a shadow flickers behind him
her face darkens
she remembers the last time her
face lit up
everyday the mirror reflects
those scars
could he heal her?
could he be her elixir for life?
only risk can tell

the other night, a girl had a conversation with a boy she works with online. somehow they got talking about people...who they are. the boy told the girl that when he looked at her he saw this funny and intelligent woman who had a lot to offer, but was hiding behind anger and sarcasm to hide her insecurities in herself. he told the girl he knew she had a kind heart. if only the boy knew how dead on his analysis was...

i am insecure. i have been for basically my whole life. for some reason i can be confident about everything i do (although lately i've had a little issue with that)except when it comes to my appearance. i've tried everything i could think of to make myself feel better about myself...one of the many reasons i wear heels, makeup, and carry designer handbags. but that only works so far. recently i was given a poem by mya angelou called phenomenal woman...i wish i could apply it to myself. but i'm still having issues.

i want to say my main problem is that i am unhappy, to the point where i'm doubting what i am capable of-whether or not i'll succeed. i just want to sing and dance, that's it. and lately i've missed dancing more than words can say. but i've never had the body to dance. i'm trying to watch what i eat and exercise regularly...but it's hard. i'm one of those people who eat because they're unhappy, and who are unhappy because they eat. now instead of just talking to myself....i fight with myself too. trying to dominate my own mind. i just want to be comfortable with myself...is that too much to ask?




herself isn't the only thing that girl has to deal with...

thankfully gramp has returned home after a very close call, but he's not the only one who is hanging on by a thread. mom says she thinks annie is going to go see pokey soon. i knew it'd happen eventually...but still the reality is a harsh one.

heavy with tang;
tasting of work and use.
the heady scent nailing
me to the floor.
my mind and heart reflect
vast emptiness,
but my body starts
to open.
images start to dance
beneath my lids.
i see falling snow
and red roses;
intermingled with salt.
the fading away of
shuffling feet
brings darkness once more.

(this is the rough draft for my graduation speech)

As children, we all looked forward to the day we were old enough to go to school; the idea of learning and making new friends excited us. But the excitement was short-lived and soon we were looking forward to middle school, when we would actually get to switch classes like the older kids. No sooner had we started middle school and already our minds had focused on what was up next: high school. High school was full of “can’t wait” moments. We can’t wait to turn 16 so we can go to driver’s Ed and eventually get our licenses. We can’t wait for winter carnival, the one day out of the whole school year where we get to play games all day. We can’t wait to be able to attend prom without having to have a date. We can’t wait to turn 18 and officially be considered adults. But most of all, we can’t wait to graduate.
Graduation. An important day in our lives, yet I can bet that a good portion of my class is not really taking the time to enjoy this day. How do I know that? Because my mind has already started to count down the days until I head off to college, and I can imagine most of them are doing the same. If not counting down the days until college, than at least the hours until project grad. It’s a never-ending cycle. We were raised to always look at and anticipate where we’re headed. And in the process we forget about where we are this very moment. We have two options, we can write the moment off and prepare for what is coming, or we can savor it, knowing it will never happen again. After 18 years and a couple of close calls, I finally realized how important each moment is. And I never want to write another one off.
Earlier this year I was in a car accident which placed my car nose first into a tree. Looking back it was pretty life threatening. But it wasn’t a threat to my own life that made me realize how important each moment is, it was a threat to my grandfather’s. He went through a rough patch health-wise that placed him in the hospital for over a month. The family got pretty stressed out; we didn’t know how much longer we were going to have with him. And I was so scared that we were going to lose him. Thankfully we don’t have to just yet. But the whole situation shed light on how short our time on earth is.
According to Mark Twain
“Twenty years from now [we’ll] be more disappointed by the things [we] didn’t do than by the ones [we] did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in [our] sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
Life’s a journey…not a destination. Enjoy the ride.

"something always brings me back to you. it never takes too long. no matter what i say or do, i still feel you here till the moment i'm gone. you hold me without touch, keep me without chains. i never wanted anything so much then to drown in your love and i'd feel your pain. set me free, leave me be, i don't want to fall another moment into your gravity"

god there are days when my strength fails me and my heart still cries out.i know it's not for you, but for what i thought we had. prom was one of those nights. ugh! i couldn't help but think how originally you were supposed to be with me, then how i wanted wes to be there so badly. i had fun with jess, yet at the same time my heart felt so heavy.

i feel so....alone....and....lost. everything is starting to unravel. josh and i are not bad, but we're not good. jon and i can only talk when jessie is not around. and i feel like i'm losing my control emotionally. inside i am crying for you, today was your supposed birthday. i wish you were here, you were always someone i could talk to. but i'm also crying for myself. i know i'm strong, yet why do i feel so weak and helpless.

why is it that my sister can be strong with everything that is going on with her(which i'm so happy that she can be) but i'm having issues being strong with nothing that compares?

today was easter, and i dind't expect anything. and yet there on the kitchen table ths morning was a gift. the parents got my cadbury eggs and a chocolate bunny (traditional easter candy...which starting tomorrow i am so going to start woking out) but there was also a necklace on the table. it's simple, and on the pendent is the message: life is a journey, not a destination. and mom told me that these are words she wants me to live by. and my first thought then was believe that i can get the money to go to europe with that singing group; give me a chance.
but it also made me cry. but the necklace wasn't the only thing that made me cry today. donna called, and she and mom got talking about kids and college. and kayla came up. mom told donna how kayla applied to be an RA and i found out that kayla asked to not be on my floor next year if she gets accepted because she knows that all through high school i was her shadow, and it's my time to spread my wings and be my own person.
kayla that means the world to me.

dad and i got a scholarship completed; the franco american one which is worth quite a bit. and i convinced mom to let me apply for the USYE european tour. i told her that i woulf fundraise for the money; that i would get sponsors. dad believes that i can raise the money, i wish mom had as much faith in me. mom told me she wants me to ive life, well here's a chance of a lifetime. if i don't try for it i'm going to regret it.

i should be doing homework right now, but i'm drawing a blank on how to start my essay...or even which direction i should take it and i don't honestly feel like working on it.

last night i went with cory to the freeport playoff basketball game. 1. because i wanted to have a little fun over this vacation 2. wesley plays basketball. unfortunately wesley didn't get to play due to the fact that he's a junior and is considered a varsity sub, and the coach didn't sub anyone out. but the game was good,freeport won, and i got to see him. hahahaha he's so cute. it's just a minor detail that wesley hasn't even been officially introduced to me, let alone know that i like him. but i'm wokring on it. cory introduced me to his friend silas, who also sings. i guess he's rated like 4th in the state of maine...i wish he had gone to districts cuz now i want to hear him. i asked him to sing for me last night, and he said he would but his voice was kinda shot from all the screaming...so i have a raincheck.

ugh i wihs i dind't have any homework left to do because i really want to enjoy the last few days of my vacation...but that's not going to happen. grrrrr. this totally blows. and i might not even be able to go see kayla at orono depending on the weather, which will really make things suck. right now i'm so lonely and restless it's not even funny.
and i think my ipod is broken....piece of crap. i can't get it to turn on. so i'm uber pissed. can't something go right?

9:57 pm
so i figured i'd update again. my ipod is no longer a piece of crap, i got it to work. and i also wanted to tell kayla that i finally took that last step. i deleted chadd's pic from my phone last night. im proud of myself!!! now if only i could be proud of writing that english essay...yeah i still haven't done it

this tug-a-war feeling that i am feeling inside myself is killing me. but tonight...tonight it's going to end.

idk if it's a good idea, but i'm going to talk to him. tell him how i feel. on thursday i was too stunned to really say anything. but i do have things i want to say. so tonight after work we're going to chat. mom doesn't think it's a good idea, cuz she knows that part of me wants him to apologize and tell me that he made a mistake. and i know she doesn't want to see me get hurt...again. but i feel like if i don't tell him i'm going to regret it because i do care about him and i don't want to accept the fact that it's over.

what do i plan to say?

i want to know what happened in new mexico, because obviously something happened that i'm overlooking. because throughout our relationship he stopped smoking for me, he told me that i was one of the only people he could really trust, he told me that he would drive the hundreds of miles to see me if i went to college in new york...not because i asked him to but because he wanted to, he told me on tuesday that he was so happy to be home because he missed me so much while he was in new mexico; he told me he loved me. and on tuesday he was so happy...but on thursday we're not going to work? and part of me wants to give him some advice, really get my opinion out there. i want to tell him that the whole living for the future thing is not the way to go. i've done it,my whole educational career i have been living for this year...the year i graduate, the year i can step up there on that stage and give my valedictorian speech-show my parents that i'm something to be proud of and that i'm just as capable as kayla. because i've always felt like i have to measure up to her, like they expect me to be her. and i regret not enjoying my high school years. instead of having fun with people, i shunned them because my grades were more important...i lost some valuable years of my life. and maybe it's because a lot has happened to me this year as to why i really want to start living for the day. i mean if i had hit that tree in a different spot i could have been killed, if the doctors hadn't found that infection in gramps leg and amputated in time he could have died too. and i'm sorry i don't want to be all pessimistic and crap...but chadd has told me himself that his lungs aren't great due to the fact that he smoked...what if he doesn't make it into the air force? i know that he feels he's doing the right thing, and according to matt campbell....who i don't think would lie to me cuz he knows i'm emotionally distraught,chadd didn't want to break up with me. but chadd thinks things are going to turn out like they did for his brother. it might not. he and his brother are two different people, and the girls in their situations are two different people. and i honestly feel like if you care about someone enough you'd make things work. everyone keeps telling me it's his loss...and i know that's true. because i am an individual and he won't find anyone else like me because well my twin never survived and kayla is taken. but i know that i'll be losing too because no guy has ever made me feel the way he did. and that makes me sad.
i won't deny that i want him back. but i wish my heart and me head would position themselves on the same side. my heart is telling me fight for him; fight for what you had and how you guys felt. while my head is telling me to stop being stupid and just deal with it.
i mean chances of him being the guy i end up with for the rest of my life are slim...but you never know. and all i know is that if i don't try i'll keep asking myself what if? what if i had talked to him, would things have turned out differently?

kayla if you're reading this you're probably shaking your head at me and thinking i'm being stupid. but you know what it's like to care about someone....and can't deny my heart the possibility of being happy.

your voice
deep and resonant
reverberating down
my spine-touching
me to my very
core
the
tone
pure
and
clear
a
glimpse
of
beauty
like
virgin
snow

although districts are stressful and annoying...especially when your school sends you to them without any knowledge of your part in the pieces...the performance at the end was one of the most moving things i have ever heard. god, just hearing those voices all blended together: soprano, alto, tenor, and bass-i felt so inspired and honored to be a part of that choir. i would love to just sing like that forever because for once in my life my voice really soared, and maybe, just maybe, it reached the heavens. some of my friends have told me that i sing like an angel, well, today they were right.

so i got a letter from FIT yesterday...i got rejected. mom and dad both claim it's a blessing in disguise. maybe it is. idk. i admit i had some doubts about design because i would always get an inspiration block, but i figured it was because i was stressed. but maybe i'm not cut out for it. but now i'm at a loss in which direction to head. idk what i want to do with myself anymore.
i don't want to be one of those people who wake up in the moring and hate their job, i want to do something that i love. i wish i was like kayal; i wish i knew what i wanted from life. i thought i did, but now i'm not so sure.
mom thinks i'd enjoy the business side of fashion...but idk. and part of me keeps leaning back towards music. but can you really make a career out of singing...like a stable career?
i feel so lost inside myself. like i'm going nowhere really fast.

any advice? or suggestions?

so today chadd and i have been dating for one week. and it was a good day...the time spent with him anyways. this morning he called me to see if i was still up to going out. and cuz i was he picked me up at 9:30 and we went to freeport. we walked around, hung out in l.l. beans. and he smacked his head off a stop sign. the poor boy. he was talking to me and wasn't quite paying attention, and he turned his head and bam smacked it off the stop sign that was right there. i was like OMG! are you okay? but freeport was nice cuz he held my hand.

work sucked. people freak out cuz of the snow. it's snow! you'll survive one day without all kinds of food. i clocked out a half-hour past the time i was supposed to. i'll probably get written up for it. but w/e. this woman like screamed at me today too. cuz she had this big order, like $200 worth of groceries and she lost her wallet. so lets solve the problem by yelling at the cashier. how was i supposed to help her? we got pat to help the woman look for her wallet, but it was in her truck. she didn't apologize. i had suspended her order so i sent her over to angie cuz i was helping some other woman, and this woman started yelling at angie cuz she misplaced her foodstamp card. she didn't apologize to angie either.

chadd picked me up from work today...considering the whole i lack a car thing. and we walked out to his car and there on my seat was a bouquet of roses. awwwwwwwww! he was like i know you've had a rough weekend. that right there made it all better. but no he went and made it even better. he hung out for like an hour after he brought me home. and he was getting ready to leave and we're in my room, he's hugging me, and he kisses me. he kissed me again by the front door too.

with each passing moment i'm coming to adore this boy more and more. and i get the feeling he adores me quite a bit too. he's definately a keeper.

so this morning was a morning where i shouldn'tve gotten up. i mean honestly...things would be so much better.

1) i end up falling asleep again after my alarm clock rings so when i do wake i have to rush around the house to get ready for school

2) annie almost made me fall down the stairs cuz she was stadning in the way and i tripped over her.

3) i got in a car accident. my car went off the road and into a tree. i'm okay...but my car had to get towed.

it has not been a fun morning, i'm really frazzled. and i don't really want to go to work, but i want to see chadd so i'm going to go. ugh it's going to be a long day...let alone a long weekend. i have so much shit i have to do. i need longer days. or at least to start this one over.

so i admit, at the back of my mind there was this worry: the fact that chadd smokes. but today...that worry disappeared.

campbell was being a jerk the other day, don't remember what he said. something about me dating chadd. and so today he made up for his jerkiness. he tlaked to chadd last night about how he and i are dating. and somehow it came about...not quite sure how, but chadd told matt that he was going to stop smoking for me, and that he wasn't going to kiss me until he did. and chadd himself told me tonight, when he came to visit me at work even though it was snowing and the roads were kinda bad, that he is stopping smoking.

i'm so happy!!!!

although i LOVE christmas shopping with my sister on black friday...yesterday's christmas shopping was amazing.
chadd and i went to the maine mall, where we almost got run over in the parking lot. no joke. this crazy guy in a truck all of a sudden threw his truck in reverse and just whipped it back, not looking, and came within an inch of me and chadd. it was scary as hell, i almost got my leg taken off. we walked around the mall, and he made me laugh all night. especially when he accidentally pissed off the girl in bath & body works. he was in her way so she went to move past him and he got in her way again. the look on her face was classic. we played around in sports authority, cuz he golfs, so we were playing the practice put area. yeah i can't put...i blame my two years of field hockey.
we went to applebees for dinner and almost had two meals. we ordered, ate, and had paid and were still sitting there talking when one of the waitresses came over and put more food on our table. the looks on our faces clued her in that it wasn't ours. we were like uhhhhhh.
i like talking to him. he has a lot to say and he's really easy to open up to...without me feeling embarrassed. i learned that like me, he doesn't like onions. hahahaha.
when he brought me home we sat in the driveway for awhile, even after mom and dad came home. and i guess i had this look on my face cuz he asked me what i was thinking about. i told him nothing...he knew i was lying. i told him that i was always thinking, some about my research paper...but about other things too. and he asked me what other things. i told him i wasn't sure if he'd want to know. he got this expression on his face, so i asked him what he was thinking about. and he said "whether or not i should ask you out." i told him that we were on the same page cuz i was thinking the same thing. =) he told me he'd been contemplating it all week, but he didn't know how i felt so was afraid to say something and have it not go well and then have us go to work together.
when i went inside after he left...now not single, i was so giddy. mom didn't seem happy for me...and dad was it's there but also kinda expressionless. but i don't care.
i woke up this morning asking myslef if it really happened, cuz i've liked chadd for awhile now. and it did. he came over earlier and hung out for like an hour before he had to go to work. i was so happy to see him...although slightly shocked that mom and dad left while he was still there.

and i've just heard from dad that my portfolio is in new york and will actually be in the hands of FIT tomorrow. it's exciting. things are going really well...now if only my english paper could write itself.

you know it's funny. i dated jon for a month and i never felt this happy with him, and i've only dated chadd for a day. i can't wait for him, me, kayla, and dyl to go out to dinner together. it'll be so much fun!

for the first time senior year...i'm really happy!

1. got my haircut..i look sexy
2. i have a lovely neck
3. i bought a sweet shirt today
4. monica basically found me a mentor, who happens to be a small time designer

1. lost a lb from last week to this week
2. started my dress
3. my art project was loved (one reason being it lit up but the other because it was awesome)
4. work was decent

1. i got music on to my ipod...and i still have a bunch of room left, right now i only have 297 songs.
2. i talked to chad today and he knew my name without me telling it to him. he's so cute =)
3. mr. schran looks to me as the strongest voice in the chorus, even with my cold
4. homecoming is coming up soon and i'm making my dress

1. i got a t-shirt/cd from a cute boy and his mom in vegas (this was technically yesterday but it still makes me happy)
2. my pink ipod nano that i got for $117.99
3. i'm oficially soprano
4. i managed to make it through school without sneezing all over my hand (i'm sick)

good things:

1. got my accounting workbook so now i can do my homework
2. talked to janelle withers today and realized that i'd take mom anyday over what she has
3. my till was right on today
4. i felt really good today after i gave josh and jon their copies of my senior pic

good things:

1. i didn't have to void annything at work today
2. my till was right on the moeny
3. i applied for two scholarships
4. i feel really good for some reason